After snapping at his girlfriend over her standup comedy dream and getting called a “f–king d–khead a–hole,” a man turns to the internet to see if she’s right.
An anonymous man is seeking advice after he admittedly snapped and lost his temper at his longtime girlfriend. “Am I a f–king d–khead a–hole?” he asked Reddit’s infamous (“Am I the A–hole”) forum.
That’s what his girlfriend called him when he told her she’ll “never be a famous comedian.” It was the culmination of a long argument and a lot of resentment on his part. But it left her in tears and staying with a friend.
So OP (a.k.a. “the original poster”) shared his story online to see if he’d gone too far, and if his original argument even had merit. He wasn’t trying to be an FDA (ahem) … it just kind of wound up that way.
Read on to find out exactly what led up to this explosive moment.
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OP started by establishing that he, 31, and his girlfriend, 28, have been together for six years and living together for two. Throughout their relationship, she’s been going to open mic nights and performing as a standup comedian. She also worked a full-time job in sales “where she made decent money.”
As for OP, he said he has “a good but hard job and make almost triple what my gf was making when she had her job.” He then shared that she quit her job in August “because it was taking away from her comedy ventures.”
He went on to explain, “She told me a year from now she thinks she can really make it. I was a bit skeptical but since I make enough to support us, I encouraged her because I want to be a supportive boyfriend.” He added that she’s been picking up Uber and DoorDash gigs to supplement as her comedy “has gotten us zero dollars.”
I said she’s 28 and it’s time to grow the f–k up and join the real world
“Over the past few months I have started to resent her though. She constantly complains she has no money, yet drives for Uber or DD maybe 3 times a week for maybe 4 hours at a time,” he wrote. “I have been paying a lot more for household expenses and I’m not saving as much as I’d like to anymore.”
On top of that, he lamented that she “sleeps til noon” becuase of her late-night gigs, then “just bums around on tiktok and YouTube looking for ‘inspiration.'” Further, OP said she gets “very moody” if he doesn’t come to most of her open mics, no matter if he’s just come off a 14-hour workday and it’s midweek.
“Last night, I did the unthinkable. I asked her to consider going back to a full time job,” wrote OP, getting to what brought him to Reddit in the first place. “I said she should still do her comedy but I’m struggling with taking care of our expenses all by myself.”
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“When she gave a dismissive answer, I told her firmly that she will never be a famous comedian,” he continued. “I said she’s 28 and it’s time to grow the f–k up and join the real world because this is totally unfair to me that I bust my a– while she lives in La La land. And that she can’t be this naïve at this age by thinking she’s going to support herself with this.”
As expected, this did not land particularly well. “She stared at me in silence for a few minutes, started crying and went to stay with a friend,” wrote OP. “She called me a f–king d–khead a–hole and I’m the worst friend ever. She has not answered her phone today yet.”
So he wants to know if she’s right, asking: “AITA for telling my girlfriend she needs to get a real job and she will never be a famous comedian?”
OP conceded that he rushed through his story, promising to answer any and all questions in the comments. Then, true to his word, he did just that. Here’s what he added to the story.
For one thing, he was called out immediately for snapping at her rather than trying to have a real conversation. OP pushed back that he tried to talk, but his girlfriend “didn’t take me seriously.” He argued, “I wanted to have a conversation,” he argued. “I tried but she gave me a dismissive answer like I was the one being crazy for suggesting she go back to work. That’s what set me off.”
Later, he detailed exactly what happened, writing, “What she said verbatim was ‘I don’t wannaaaaaa’ in a cutesy voice like I’m supposed to find her adorable. And ‘you said you were fine with this.'”
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At the same time, he acknowledged he went too far in another comment saying his “message got warped when you completely blew up and demeaned her.” To this he replied, “Sigh. I know I lost my cool and said some things I shouldn’t have.”
To another Redditor, he added, “I didn’t mean to sound so mean. It was frustration because i truly can’t see her reasoning as to why what she is doing is sustainable. Unless it’s only because I pay the bills. Like what if I quit my job at 31 to start going to the basketball court every day in hopes of signing as an undrafted free agent to an NBA team?”
He later conceded, “I can also be a hot head if I let things build up. I should have said something months ago.” OP even said he apologized to his girlfriend, saying he “told her it was frustration because I feel like I’m pulling way more than my fair share.”
What she said verbatim was ‘I don’t wannaaaaaa’ in a cutesy voice like I’m supposed to find her adorable
When asked if he even supports her dreams, OP insisted, “I want her to keep at it … but not at the expense of a job.” He said he’d even support Uber or DoorDash full time. What he doesn’t like is that “at 28 she’s doing an income producing activity maaybbbeee 12 hours a week. That’s ridiculous.”
At the same time, he said that when he watches her in the middle of a pack of “like 30-50 comics who want a shot,” she gets laughs, but he doesn’t “think she’s necessarily special.” OP added more context later, commenting, “I think she’s funny but her material has been done thousands of time. It’s just ‘men are creepy, republicans stupid, jokes about having anxiety’ it’s all been done before.”
When challenged about him supporting her for a year, OP said he never agreed to it, just that she said “she would see significant progress in a year.” Instead, he’s seen “literally zero forward progress.” He isn’t advocating for her to quit, but continue as a hobby.
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He then broke down what he says his girlfriend is hoping will happen: “She thinks that more open mics would lead to one of 3 things. She will become a well known regular at these places and gain popularity (social media followers) that way, she will get noticed by someone with connections (our city isn’t a huge comedy or art scene), or a more prominent comedian would notice her and ask her to open for them.”
“I want her to chase her dreams and I do think she’s funny. But I know the odds are stacked against her because of the nature of the business,” he wrote.
He also made it clear that this moment is a bit of an ultimatum, commenting, “Oh I am thinking if she refuses to change we will be done. But then it’s my name on the apartment, not hers, so idk where she will live. Idk how she will survive.”
When he was called out for enabling her and allowing her to “stay a child,” OP defended his girlfriend, writing, “I think it’s interesting how you said she’s allowed to stay a child. She used to be a go getter. Very hard worker and very responsible. Since this started, she’s began to remind me of a moody teenager who can’t take responsibility for anything.”
“Yes, she is clearly not putting in her fair share with work and bills and your frustration over having to handle most of the expenses while she pursues her comedy ventures is justified,” wrote one Redditor. “But you really lost steam towards the end. While I realize you make some good points that message got warped when you completely blew up and demeaned her.”
Still another had OP’s back, countering, “Your girlfriend maybe needed the wake up call. She is living in La La Land, and she’s able to because you’re footing the bill.” In fact, several Redditors called out the girlfriend’s entitlement in taking advantage of OP.
“Here’s the thing: would she be so committed if she was single?” asked one. “Would she happily rent a single room, living on ramen, if it meant she could do her gigs? Or is it only when she’s got you covering her that she wants to go for this? Because something tells me, if her reality was the single rented room and ramen, she’d be going back to work and seeing comedy as a hobby.”
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Another person tried to add some context to her dream, writing, “If you guys don’t live in LA or NYC she has about 0.00001% chance of being able to support herself with comedy. Living in NYC or LA that goes up to maybe 0.001%.”
There was some discussion about having a plan and being supportive, but some Redditors didn’t quite see a plan with what the girlfriend has been doing. “There ISN’T a plan. There’s no structure. GF is just doing random things and hoping something sticks,” argued one.
“If she really wants to pursue comedy she needs to set a time limit to how long she’s going to pursue it, and in between have interim goals to work towards progress, not just random open mics on a no-audience day like Tuesdays,” agreed another.
Yet another offered even more context, based on friends in the comedy scene. “They’re not d–king around sleeping around till noon, scrolling TikTok for inspiration,” they wrote. “They’re getting up, making TikToks, getting content out, securing bookings etc.They work their a–es off, and they make decent money for it.”
Something tells me, if her reality was the single rented room and ramen, she’d be going back to work and seeing comedy as a hobby
Others emphasized that maybe taking a job would actually help her comedy. “By working a regular job she would be getting more ‘inspiration’ for comedy than watching TikTok,” while another argued comedy comes from misery so maybe restaurant work is just the right answer to solve both problems.
One cited Leslie Jones, who said in her memoir she doesn’t believe in ‘starving artists.'” The commenter wrote, “She says you HAVE to work to support yourself if you are trying to make it as an artist and she worked many, many odd jobs until she made it, even during times when she lived with a partner.”
“The reality is people are flawed,” commented one Redditor. “So your anger boiled over and you said some harsh things. If she wants to be a comedian she can work a full time job and make her dream a side gig. Just like she would have to do if she had to pay her own big girl bills.”
What do you think?
